Bad As A Mother

Are you bad as a mother?

Dear Dad, I’m sorry but I don’t have any room. I waited for you by the window after you left. It seemed like an eternity waiting for you to return. It was as though a tornado had touched down. Leaving chaos and destruction in our wake. In my heart there was only emptiness. I thought you had made a mistake about us. About me. About our family. But I was wrong. Our family had made a mistake about you. We had expected too much for too long. You needed to leave us for reasons I will never understand.

I remember the empty chair at the dinner table. A haunting reminder of your absence. The clothes hung in your closet for what seemed like years. The click of the front door lock would make my heart flutter with the hope of your return. There were holes everywhere. Holes left in places you were supposed to be. The empty seat at my graduations. All three of them. I half hoped that I would look up and see you there. But I learned to expect nothing. It could have been an unexpected surprise, but I came to loathe surprises. The surprises I knew were filled with sadness.

But dad, you couldn’t have known me anymore. The pages of the life began filling with things that didn’t include you. I no longer waited. I began to mend my broken heart. And soon, the emptiness was gone. I began to understand that life was cruel and happiness was fleeting. I began to accept how little I mattered to you.

And then you returned, but we had become strangers. There were no more graduations or aisles to walk me down. I couldn’t imagine who you would be after all these years. You no longer seemed to fit.

no more room, dad

But I’m not angry. I am not sad.

So you see, there is simply no more room. The years have come and gone and I don’t need you anymore. There is no longer an empty chair at the table. There are no more tickets available to any graduations. And sadly, there is no more room left in my heart.

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