Bad As A Mother

Are you bad as a mother?

I have a confession. I think I have become a suburban mom. It’s terrifying. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I moved to the suburbs of Connecticut about eight years ago and I still don’t fit in. Most days I feel wildly different from the people around me. Other days? I wonder if my street cred is all but gone. Here are some habits that may have qualified me for admission to the suburban moms club. Are you in?

You run 5 K’s:

If you find yourself in a position where you run 5 K’s for fun you have become an official suburban mom. It’s like a requirement for admission into the club. I don’t even like to run, but these 5K’s seem to be a sort of social event. All of your friends are doing it. You almost don’t have a choice. It doesn’t stop there. Before you know it you will be running 10K’s then half marathons pushing a double stroller. Better get yourself some dope running shoes, mama.

You attend “parties” once a week:

Remember when you used to go to parties just to go to socialize? If you are a suburban mom, these kinds of parties no longer exist. Parties for the suburban mom have evolved into shopping parties. Everybody’s got a side hustle. In order to support your friends, you gotta show up and spend money. And everyone is selling something different. Simple wine and cheese parties? Not likely. Unless the hostess is selling you wine or cheese. Bring your credit card, because you just made your way into suburban mom status.

Clothing Shopping = Stitch Fix

If the last time you went to the store (no, not Target) for clothing was a eons ago, you probably get your clothing by mail. I am talking boxed services like Stitch Fix or MM LaFleur. You probably only half-like the clothes that you’re getting, but this is apparently the only way to shop. Suddenly, you remember that you’re paying twice as much for clothing you like half as much as you used to. You order your next box anyway.

Your food has been poisoned:

You have recently become aware that everything you used to eat is now considered poison. If you have been eating gluten, dairy or anything that’s not organic you’ll pretty much be dead in two weeks. You learn that you must alter your diet immediately. On the weekend, you  shop at Whole Foods and spend $7 for salad dressing. You probably shop at four different supermarkets to buy everything you need. Your grocery bill increases tenfold. You obsess about whether or not almond or cashew milk is a better choice for your family. Your mother’s cooking is likely to blame for all of your issues. Welcome to the suburban moms club.

If this is starting to sound like you, don’t panic. It’s better not to fight the tide. I hope they don’t catch me putting regular milk in my tea. There’s no telling what might happen. It might be too late for me. Save yourselves!

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