Bad As A Mother

Are you bad as a mother?

I’m so lucky.  Or my life is so sad.  Those are the only two reactions you get when someone asks how many children you have.  One. Yes, that’s right. I have an only child. Being the mom to an only child is much like being a bastard child.  You’re one step up from those selfish people who have no children at all! I’m surprised they even let me into the Moms Club.

I’m not allowed to be tired or overwhelmed: Oh I know you people with 2+ kids looking at me when I say that I’m tired.  It’s a smug look of “but you only have one child.” I can in no way compete with your incredibly busy lives.  Everything is a one up.  My kid vomited? Try having three kids vomiting. I had one kid up all night? Try having TWO kids up all night.  See where I am going with this? It’s just not allowed.  My level of exhaustion cannot even compare to yours.  So therefore I’m not allowed to complain about it. Ever. One? Please.

No Rest for Only Child Mamas

The number isn’t big enough: When people come rolling in with their two kids, not one single person will ask them if they wanted any more children. Not a single person.  Two is good.  Unless you have both the same sex. Then of COURSE you should try for one more.  With one?  Not quite meeting that mommy quota.   Then the famous question of, “you didn’t want anymore?” inevitably rears its ugly head.  You see, there’s no good way to answer that.  If I say no, then I am a horrible and selfish person.  If I say yes, then I have to endure the faces of pity. Did I consider adoption or IVF? Either way, one is what I got. I’m so sorry that I didn’t meet your expectations.

I have tons of free time:  If I take a trip to get my nails or hair done, someone always has a backhanded compliment like, “Oh, it must be so nice to have just one.” Yes, of course it is. I am swimming in free time. My kid actually drives me and picks me up at the salon. Because I have one child. Most days I sit on the couch and read magazines while this blog writes itself and my daughter cooks us all dinner.

I never have to worry about sibling rivalry: While this is actually true, I can bet my bottom dollar that there are some times when your children aren’t killing one another.  They might even have someone to play with. My kid? Well she only has one playmate and that is me.  Yep, all me all day.  Its so easy to work with your child around. Oh, did you start to feel bad for me?  Please revert back to the section indicated: I’m not allowed to be tired or overwhelmed.

I should have done {fill in the blank} already: I once mentioned that the thought of dragging my four year old all over Disney would be a nightmare.  Some lovely mom quickly reminded me that I only have one child. What was my problem?  I should be booking my trip now.  What in God’s name was I waiting for.  Moms all over the world are dragging their four children on 15 hour flights to Fiji. Breastfeeding moms of twins are driving cross country in their Winnebagos. After all, it’s not like I have more than one child to deal with. Easy peasy.

I’m swimming in money: With only one child, things are practically free! Yippee for me.  I don’t have to pay tuition or buy clothes. In fact, magical fairies deliver all of my necessities free of charge and leave them on my front doorstep. Luckily I  don’t have to buy diapers for three children or shoes for two, so I must be living it up.  Yep, just me and my millions, smoking cigars and ordering champagne after preschool pickup.

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